In fact I came up with something that makes me smile and feel proud, and like I might not have wasted the last year of my life on this book I am currently working on. So I figured I would share my little joy and give everyone a little taste.
So enjoy, be merry, and wish me luck on the rest of it. :)
(it is just the working title right now)
"Why do you allow him to do this to you?" Ayden growled pointing out the imprint of a hand on my arm. The harsh red color contrasted my pale skin, the edges had already started to change to a more purple color. In a few days it would be a mix of deep blue with dark grays, switching to an ugly green color, then yellow, and finally fading into a light brown before vanishing like so many others that had come before it.
"Bailey," Ayden breathed out at a whisper this time. "let me help you." His words trailed off into a soft roll of thunder approaching in the distance.
I never asked for help or to be saved, even through the darkest moments of my past I never once called out for help. Salvation is beyond me, beyond the reaches and limits I have been allowed. Bounded to the restricted belief that I deserve nor have the strength to strive for anything else. This is all the farther I am allowed.
This is my existence.
Dark, alone, filled with suffering because that was what I was made for. The only person strong enough to handle it, to take on the burdens of the world. The heavy weight of life that would press me flat against the rocky dirt crust of the earth. Pinned down by my own greed and fear. There forever with eternity refusing to release me from its binding grasp.
This realization is nothing new, I had known years ago this was my lot in life. The second I took that money. Sold my soul for more suffering, I might as well have signed the wedding certificate in blood. My therapist calls me a victim, I call myself pathetic. What other word is there for someone who accepts their abuse, walks willingly into it for a hand full of cash? Or worse, someone that walks into the lions den just to kiss the lion one last time. Yes, pathetic is the perfect word for me.
But how could I explain that to him? Inside it all felt so normal and clear, it was security. Even in all its wrongness, the relationship with Russ felt safe and familiar. He was the only person I had left in my life, the only person who knew suffering like I did. How could I turn away from that or him?
Ayden's hand slide down the rough rusted iron railing till his soft touch rested over my hand. I clenched the metal beneath me, tension radiating out from my grip, up my arm, and throughout my whole body. This man was making me weak. I could feel those pleading gray eyes burning into me. How much longer could I refuse him? "Why won't you let me in?" he asked.
I said the first thing that came rushing to my mind and out of my mouth, "Because I don't want to tarnish you."