Rideshares,
Wrecks, and Sex:
Confessions
of a Convicted Uber Driver
by
Joe F. N. Schmo
Genre:
Comedic Adventure
An
Uber driver is expected to be courteous and attentive, both to their
passengers and to those on the road. They are not expected to accept
an invitation to a swinger party, flee the scene of a fatal accident,
nor are they expected to be a convicted felon on
probation.
Unfortunately,
this Joe Schmo is not your everyday Uber driver.
As
most Uber drivers do, Joe began sharing rides with the audacious hope
to one day escape the legal and financial road blocks stalling his
merger onto the freeway of creative success. But when a typical shift
U-turns into a series of detours involving Android ordered lovers,
herpes ridden riders, sexy sorority sisters, a botched bachelor
party, and blundering bank robbers, he arrives (at gunpoint) miles
from his desired destination.
"Rideshares,
Wrecks, and Sex: Confessions of a Convicted Uber Driver" is a
narrative nonfiction based upon actual events that transpired over
the year Joe covertly drove for Uber while on intensive probation. He
confesses outlandish details in a highlight reel of wrecks (both car
and train) and sex, effectively answering the question every Uber
rider has begged to know from their driver: "What's your
craziest story?"
Joe
F. N. Schmo, a 30-something latent child prodigy, is on a quest to
obtain free Rockstar for life and plans to use it to obtain his Ph.D
in Upsetting the Status Quo. Once earned, he hopes to use his written
works as a vehicle to turn underinformed perceptions on their thick
skulls (among other abhorrently selfish goals).
After
completing over 1,000 rideshares for Uber while on intensive
probation, Joe has encountered it all (save for alien abductions and
spontaneous combustion) and is über qualified to write a
confessional with such a titilating title.
Prior
to his salacious adventures, Joe earned his B.A. in Film and Media
Production where he wrote, produced, directed, and edited several
short films. This experience sculpted him into the kind of asshole
who quotes from random films and includes obscure pop culture
references into his written works.
Joe's
masterpiece, "Rideshares, Wrecks, and Sex: Confessions of a
Convicted Uber Driver" is a culmination of his of film
background, sharing rides with Uber, and myriad adverse experiences.
It was NOT written to please those stiff, literary types, but to
appeal to the haughty neophytes who attest e-books are superior to
the printed page.
Currently,
Joe is working on his encore, "Jackpot," which, much like
"Rideshares, Wrecks, and Sex, was written with the intention to
be adapted into a feature film (as it is his narcissistic goal to
direct his own film adaptations).
GUEST POST
What are your top 10 favorite
books/authors?
Ready Player One; Brandon Sanderson's
Stormlight Archives; Patrick Rothfuss's Kingkiller Chronicles; Harry
Potter series; Harlan Coben's Myron Bolitar series; Piers Anthony's
Zanth series; and many more. I also read (much more, actually)
nonfiction. How-to and personal development are my go to. I have
literally read 3 or 4 books in one day at my peak, and as many as
several hundred during my time in prison.
What book do you think everyone
should read?
I can't suggest this. Everyone has
different tastes. But "The Stormlight Archives" and
"Kingkiller Chronicles" are both very influential. "How
to win friends and influence people to your way of thinking" is
amazing, and anything by Dr. Wayne Dyer or Dr. Phil can change your
life! And, of course, Ready Player One. Read it, dammit!!!!!
How long have you been writing?
I was in second or third grade when
Jurassic Park came out. Soon after that, I remember writing a story
assignment for class where all of my classmates and I were stuck on
the island when the dinosaurs broke loose. Pretty much every one
died. It was EPIC!
Fast forward like 20 years.
I randomly bumped into one of those
classmates and he asked me what I was up to. I told him, "writing."
He laughed and then brought up the story I wrote (and presented). I
had totally forgotten about it. It wasn't until he brought it up that
I realized I have been writing since I could hold a pencil.
Do the characters all come to you at
the same time or do some of them come to you as you write?
Definitely as I write. I do operate
with an outline and plan, but oftentimes, my characters evolve (as
does the story). Sometimes this requires me to write in (or combine)
characters to fit the plot. I'd like to think of my process as
organic. It lives and breathes, sometimes on its own.
What kind of research do you do
before you begin writing a book?
I usually do research AS I'm writing. I
feel that if I need to do research before I write, I'm not qualified
to write it. But sometimes, obstacles arise, and using the ol' Googs
is the only way to overcome the obstacle. Except in prison, where the
only tool at your disposal is a 30 year old Encyclopedia. FML.
Do you see writing as a career?
As PART of a career, yes. I plan on
directing my film adaptations in addition to developing several
games. Also, I'd like to attempt to improve our twisted society (if
even possible) with my words/projects/influence. You can expect a lot
from this Schmo.
What do you think about the current
publishing market?
Its a business. Just like the movie
industry. They are going to produce what they anticipate is going to
sell. It sucks for books like RWS because it is so controversial
there's no way they would take a chance on it. This happens to a lot
of good books. However, I do understand that there's a lot shit out
there. And we're talking steaming piles of shit! So I can't fault the
publishing market for it. What I can do, is play the game and work it
to the best of my ability. The same goes for everyone one else who
has written a wonderful book that doesn't have a chance in hell of
being published. Make the current market work for you.
Do you read yourself and if so what
is your favorite genre?
As much as I can without sacrificing my
writing. Fantasy / Nonfiction
Do you prefer to write in silence or
with noise? Why?
I always write with music. It helps me
drown out the background (ESPECIALLY in prison) and my inner
dialogue. I can't write or concentrate without it.
Do you write one book at a time or
do you have several going at a time?
I only write one book at a time (or
each draft of a book). In fact, I really try not to even read while
I'm in the middle of a book. But between drafts and especially when
I'm incubating plot ideas, I will read or write something else. But
it's typically one at a time.
If you could have been the author of
any book ever written, which book would you choose?
The Bible
Pen or type writer or computer?
In prison, pencil. It cost me 3 cents
per golf pencil. and yes, I wrote this book (and three others) with
fucking golf pencils. Let me tell you... THAT is a pain in the ass. I
would send my drafts to my editor, and they would type/edit my work,
then send it back. It was slow, but it taught me to appreciate the
hell out of my laptop. In which I will be using from meow on.
Tell us about a favorite character
from a book.
This is a VERY close toss up between
Kvothe from Rothfuss's Kingkiller and Kaladin from Sanderson's
Stormlight. I love these characters because they are very complex.
Not always good, not always bad. I'm all about flawed characters.
When a character is cookie cutter hero, they are boring. But these
two authors do a fantastic job bringing to life living, breathing
characters.
What made you want to become an
author and do you feel it was the right decision?
Jail/Prison. I can't very well produce
film in prison. So I decided to write. And write I did. Prison is a
writer's dream! No job (well, for me. Because who the fuck wants to
work for 35 cents and hour when you could be writing!?). No cell
phones. No social media. Distractions, yes, but nothing that can't be
overcome. I am so glad I did. I know I'm on the write path (pun
intended)!
A day in the life of the author?
Work, write, sleep, repeat. Currently,
my life is VERY boring. However.... I will be spending some time in
Europe and in the Middle East in the coming months (hopefully
producing a documentary) and I'm assuming it will be much more
exciting. I'll keep you posted!
Advice they would give new authors?
My advice to any authors (novice or
expert) is to just write. Write and write and write. Even when it's
garbage. Then, when you need a break, read and read and read. Read in
your genre. Read nonfiction (how-to for writing/grammar). And when
you need feedback on your shitty writing, join a writing group. This
is the only way you will get better. 10,000 hours and you will be a
master. And even then, you will still have to beg people to read your
manuscript!
Describe your writing style.
Humorous with a side order of obscure
references. I have tried to write "seriously" but I just
keep coming back to comedic social commentary. For example. here is a
funny (and slightly raunchy) paragraph from RWS.
We continued making out,
her hand polishing my tip and my hand cupping her tit, when the worst
imaginable thing happened. Leonardo DiCaprio wormed his way into my
brain and planted the seed of inception. That lowly seed broke
through the soil, and, as Stephanie’s tongue explored my mouth like
a gerbil in Richard Gere’s ass, it blossomed into one word. Rose.
What makes a good story?
I am a fan of plot heavy books. A good, well composed plot can make
up for minor issues. But if the characters are cardboard and writing
is for shit, even a great plot won't be able to perfume the stench.
What are they currently reading?
A lot of nonfiction (until I'm done
with this release and have enough downtime for fiction). Also, I'm
catching up on my video games!!!! Zelda BOTW and Super Smash Bros.
get some play on my Switch.
What is your writing process? For
instance do you do an outline first? Do you do the chapters first?
To be honest, my writing process is
REALLY janky. I'm certain that a professional author would scoff at
my process, but fuck 'em. Everyone does their own thing. I do write
an outline (sometimes only a chapter or two ahead). But more often
than not, those outlines are altered by the time I catch up to their
end. By the time I finish, my outline looks more like a hieroglyph to
be deciphered. I know what it means, but others looking in are
laughing for sure.
What is your writing Kryptonite?
A good movie. That, and good company.
As a "writer," I have sacrificed many a great movies and
potential fun with friends. I get asked by my film buddy all the time
to join him, and I usually decline. Because writing is sacrifice...
And fun is my kryptonite.
Do you try more to be original or to
deliver to readers what they want?
Both! Originality is nearly impossible
this day and age, but I sure as fuck try! Sure, there are dozens of
Uber Confessionals out there (even though I WAS the first t start, I
can promise that), but I tried to be as creative and original in my
style and delivery as possible. My next several books (fiction, not
based on true events) are much more original in both style and plot.
If you could tell your younger
writing self anything, what would it be?
Dude, you suck. No really, keep working
on that.
What’s the most difficult thing
about writing characters from the opposite sex?
I feel writing all characters from
another perspective is hard, not just opposite sex. I try and tap
into different experiences I've lived and use those to channel into
other characters. I think, "how would so-and-so respond?"
"What would he or she do in this scenario." That helps me
keep things as authentic as possible. That's why I believe that the
older you get, the easier writing becomes; Having more experience
with more unique individuals is a natural bi-product of aging. This
makes it easier for us to breathe life into more characters.
How long on average does it take you
to write a book?
About a year (start to edit finish).
RWS first draft was done in like 3 months. But I just kept editing
and editing and... well, you get the idea. If I didn't set a firm
release day, I would NEVER finish. I think that's a good way to
start: With a release day in mind (assuming it is a healthy
deadline). That's what I'm going to do for my other books. Set a
publish by date and shoot for the moon!
Do you believe in writer’s block?
Nope! It doesn't exist. It's just fear.
Fearful writers call it "writer's block" so those that they
can have an excuse not to write. There are times when I write, and I
feel like everything I just wrote is absolute trash. I believe this
paralyzes many writers, but if they just keep writing, they would
discover that they can iron out any wrinkles. That said, I DO believe
in "incubation." Incubation is when your subconscious
mind's gears grind while you are working out or eating or taking a
shit. When there is a plot hole or a problem I don't yet know the
solution to, I will think about it until my eyes bleed. THEN, if I
don't come up with an answer, I will take a break from writing (or
move on to another chapter, or write something else) and let my
subconscious work on it. Inevitable, the solution WILL come. But it
is NOT a block. It is an obstacle. WRITER'S BLOCK is a myth.
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